Catch up!

I am continuously reminded by one certain someone about how long it has been since I have posted, so I figure it's about time to write something to let my fans out there know that I am still alive and ticking! (thanks you 2 or 3 out there who actually look at this once in a while!)

I've been racking my brain trying to figure out why it's taken me over a month to post and I think I've come up with a few solutions....

1) Pure exhaustion has set in. I am seriously more tired than I think I have been in my life. I go to work, come home, take care of Abbie & put her to bed, then I crash myself. There just never seems to be enough time in the day.

2) Work seems to be getting busier. Maybe it's the fact that we lost two more people on our team, making five total in the last year, and management has only hired one to replace the five. Funny thing, we don't have the "finances" to hire more people for our team, but there is no problem paying overtime to fill the constant void??? I don't get it. It's certainly tiring and it makes me feel guilty spending more time away from Abbie, but with all the attorney's fees I'm still trying to pay, I could certainly use the money. Somehow, this may be contributing to my exhaustion!

3) School started for me. Now this is another long story. For the second semester in a row, I've gone my rounds with the college. I can't even remember what happened last semester, but the supervisor person I talked to "fixed" everything and told me I was all set to start school the summer semester. Well, guess who went the rounds with the admissions staff once again? That's right, it was me!!! For some reason, my transcripts aren't there and there is nothing they can do about it. I think they finally got tired of me so they sent me on to the dean of the biology department. I explained my story to him through my brother, bless his heart! (he actually had the dean as a professor spring semester and offered to talk to him for me) Anyway, the dean bypassed the system and got me into the biology class I needed. Whew! One stressor down!

4) I am working on my application for PA school (physician's assistant for anyone who may be questioning what it is). Sheesh, I've heard people describe this application as scary and they certainly weren't kidding! I've managed to get my personal info onto the app, but have so much more to go! I would love more than anything to start grad school next year, but I know my application is lacking in a few areas. First, volunteer experience. Yep, I realize I really haven't been out in the community the last few years. I've really been focused on my own life and dealing with the changes that have come! Second, shadowing. I work with PA's every day, so I have a general idea of what they do, but I haven't followed them outside of work. I have plans to follow one now, but would love to find at least one other to shadow. Seems so easy, but once again, I'm torn at how much time it is taking away from my time with Abbie. I feel like she is spending so much more time with Ralph or my sister than she is with me. It breaks my heart!!! I've weighed my options though, and I know that this is the next thing I have to do in my life for Abbie and me. In the long run, it'll mean I can provide a better life for her and will have more time with her. My goal now is to show her how much I absolutely love her and need her in my life and how much she means to me. She is my life! She is my sweet little princess!

5) Oh, and who can forget the saga with Ralph?!? Yep, it continues! It's just as big a pain as ever. We are still working on getting court orders #3 drafted correctly. You'd think it would be pretty easy when you have the transcripts of the court hearing in your hands, but clearly it's not! I don't entirely blame Ralph because it is his attorney who is doing the drafting, but we were all in the same courtroom. You'd think that some of the garbage they are trying to pass as orders from the commissioner are so far out in right field they'd be a little ashamed for even suggesting it! Nope! So we continue fighting the games. I keep getting told that being the reasonable parent will pay off, but I'm seriously wondering when and how! I am truly sorry for anyone who may be going through similar problems with ex's because it certainly drains you!

6) I think this is the main reason I have stopped blogging so much.... I have been seeing a therapist (I think that's what she is!) for the last several months. The reason I've been seeing someone is because I finally realized that I can't do it on my own and by "it" I mean healing. The first time I saw someone was almost a year ago after things got physical at one of Abbie's exchanges and I got hurt. I only saw that guy once and then was a little ashamed or embarrassed or scared of what I heard and of going back.

I finally got to a point last fall that I decided that I really needed someone neutral to talk to. It honestly terrifies me each time I go in, but in the end I usually walk away feeling much better. I've learned some things that have really opened my eyes. The first being the fact that I was in a very abusive relationship (mainly mental and emotional) and that Ralph really had a hold on my mind. We are working very hard on getting his voice out of my head and retraining myself to know that I wasn't all those awful things he called me (and still does). We are working hard on finding "me" again and breaking that control that Ralph had and still has on my life.

This is where the problem lies. The last time I saw my therapist, we talked about me writing Ralph a letter. Not the kind that you send him, but the kind that you write and completely open up in. Let all your feelings fly, whether good or bad. Yep, I'll be honest with you, this completely terrifies me. With everything that has gone on in the last 2 1/2 years (Abbie wise) and the 4 1/2 years before that (from the time we first met), I really don't want to go back and explore all those feelings I have worked so hard to file away! Okay, okay, I know writing one of these letters really does help. I wrote one 11 years ago to my best friend who killed himself and it really did make me feel much better. It allowed me to say goodbye to him and let me release those feelings I had about being responsible for not stopping it before it happened. See, I'm doing it right now! Distracting myself from writing about Ralph!!! Someday maybe this letter will happen. I just don't know that I'm ready to do it right now. I think what I really need is a good swift kick in the rear! Any takers???

7) Last, but definitely not least and certainly not the end (this blog is just long enough as it is!), Abbie is getting so big! She amazes me every day! She is growing up so fast, it's crazy! I miss my little cuddly sweet pea! Abbie climbs and jumps and runs everywhere and sings or talks nonstop. She is so incredibly darling! I'll have to post more pics! She loves the outdoors, so I'm always looking for new things to do with her. But, she is almost 18 months and wears me out! I would love that kind of energy!

That's a little bit of what has been going on in the last month since my last post! I have a few more to come, but I think I'm going to head to bed. I didn't sleep well last night and I think it's because Abbie is with Ralph again. This is her first 3 day 2 overnight time. I only cried when I was driving her over to meet Ralph. I've made it 36 hours now and have about 20 hours left. Okay, who am I kidding! Even I am confusing myself with my math! I've made it two full days and one overnight! One overnight and one full day left!!!!! I think I'm doing great!

Thanks all for listening to my ramblings! I promise I'll get better at posting again!



Here's my cute little peanut digging in the garden!